Updates and Schedules - Yes or No?

If any of you have seen my Google plus profile, you’ll see a few days ago I posted about how I would be updating tonight. I’m unsure if any of you saw that or not, but if not, that’s okay. If you did…then I apologise that I didn’t update right away, but perhaps this will explain a few things.

So, why didn’t I update? Did I forget? Did something horrible happen to get in the way? Was I just so unbelievably busy I completely lost track of time? It’s a no to all of those. I didn’t forget. When I posted that I would be updating that day, I knew I wouldn’t. I did it on purpose. I’ve followed blogs and YouTube channels before. I’ve seen how they say “I’ll be posting a new video every Friday!”

I’ve also seen how we have waited days or even weeks for those new videos and posts to arrive.

Earlier this year, a friend of mine and I decided creating a blog would be a good idea, one where we would post about all the issues in this world. The idea fell flat pretty fast, partly because most of it was his idea I didn’t feel that I was needed, but mostly because we planned the most insane update schedule – videos on Sundays, posts on Thursdays, pictures on Mondays…it was truly insane and rather unreachable for two people that have lives.

And that’s what this comes down to. I do believe it’s good to have a guideline about what you do. It is good to be able to say, “hey, I’ll be updating this on a regular basis!” But I don’t believe it’s good to say, “I’m going to do this on Fridays and this on Wednesdays and I may update this then…”

Why?

Stress…and life.

We encounter stress in just about every aspect of our lives. Whether you’re a student, you work, or you just lay around at home because you either don’t have a job or are unable to work, you will encounter stress. Some friendships are stressful. Relationships can be stressful and I’m pretty sure we all know that family can sometimes make us want to rip out our hair. So why, with these stressors in our life, do we add one more?

I can’t provide a definite answer for that, but I have a theory – that we, as bloggers and up-loaders, don’t want to let down our audience. And I understand that, I really do. I’ve only just started blogging and already I don’t want to let people down…if I have readers, which I’m still not sure about! But the thing is…why would I – why should I – put that more stress on myself, just for the sake of others having something to read before they go to bed?

I wouldn’t. Because while it warms my heart to think that someone out there wants to read my stuff, my health comes first, always.

Life can be busy. We have to deal with family, friendships, appointments, sickness, work, study…and so much more. Imagine you have an assignment you need to do – is the last thing on your mind before you go to sleep at night, “oh, I just want to sleep and ignore the world for a few hours,” or is it, “I must work on my blog so I don’t upset others”?

It should be the second one. If sleep is ignored in favour of writing a post like this, complications can occur – such as sleep deprivation and, of course, stress. And that can just lead to anxiety and depression, which are not enjoyable. These issues will then impact every moment of our lives.

Most of us do things like this for fun. If you get paid to, then that’s a whole different story. But I do this for my own enjoyment and to possibly help others out there that are wondering. Why would I give something I enjoy a deadline?

I wouldn’t. Deadlines are for work, not for enjoyment. So I won’t ever say “I’ll be posting on this particular day!” I will post on a regular basis but I don’t know exactly when I will be. I suppose when the inspiration strikes.

I don’t hate on those that stick to those schedules. In fact, I have respect for them, because it’s something I could never do. But I just want you to think about it. Why give yourself additional stress for something you should do for fun?

Trusting Others - Scary yet Good

I don’t know who to trust, no surprise.

That is a line from one of my favourite Linkin Park songs, From the Inside. For the longest time, I lived by that line. I would be walking home from school, listening to my mp3 (because iPods weren’t as common then) and it would come on. I would just think, this is so my life. And then, Leave out all the Rest, also by Linkin Park would come on:

I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared, but no one would listen, because no one else cared.

Those two lines from those two songs impacted me more than they should have. Yes, songs save lives, but they can also make us think. And for me, I would think, with From the Inside, that I didn’t know how to trust. I agreed with the song. Leave out all the Rest, however, gave me a different reaction: it would make me sad, because I didn’t believe I even had one person that would be scared if I went missing. Of course, I did first get into that song when a friend and I had a huge fight, so that probably impacted how I was thinking at the time.

I know I’m not alone in thinking this way. A lifetime of abuse – physical and emotional – as well as failed and turbulent friendships and relationships can cause this lack of trust in people. You walk into a room, look around, and you don’t know who to talk to, who will want to talk to you. You’re afraid. It happens way more often than what it should. And it’s unfortunate that we can feel this way.

Trust issues…its more than just not knowing who you can talk to. In my opinion, anyway – I’m not a mental health professional. It can also cause loneliness, anxiety and depression. All of which I’ve had the fun of fighting my way through. I’m not going to lie, the journey has been difficult. But do you know what? I didn’t do it alone.

I never trusted anyone. I never told anyone of what was bothering me. My issues started when I was still at school, still hanging around a group of people. I often felt alone in the crowd. I didn’t trust them and looking back, it was with a good reason. Of course, it’s been many years since I was at school, and these issues I’ve had have only gotten worse since then. But all my life, I hid it. I wore a mask. If someone asked how I was, I would reply fine, even though I was dying on the inside. No one really bothered to look deeper and that just reinforced what I suspected – that no one gave a damn.

But I was wrong.

There are some bad people in this world. You will never, ever hear me deny that fact. But there are some good people as well. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last few months, it’s that trusting another human being can help, so much. I never trusted anyone, I wore the mask…until someone managed to slip through the cracks and rip it down. The mask is gone. And it’s been scary, so very terrifying.

That one person knows more about my life than anyone else. And it has taken me so long to trust this person. It was a battle, especially at first – my heart was telling me to trust her but my brain told me that she would just screw me over, like so many other people have done. I lived in fear of the day happening that she would message me saying something like, “nah, sick of you, piss off.” Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore, and asked if we were friends…and then asked if she would stick around. And then asked again a few months later. And again, and over and over because I just couldn’t get it into my mind that someone actually liked me.

We’re still friends. Pretty damn good friends, I’d say. That would never have happened if I didn’t trust her with my issues, tell her how I was feeling. Some days I feel as though I owe my life to this friend, because her support has shown me that it is okay to trust other people. She taught me that it’s okay to seek help when you need it.

Trusting someone else, especially with something personal…it can be so hard to do. I know. It was a constant battle. But now, at the other end of that tunnel…it’s a good feeling, knowing that you’re not alone, that you have support if you need it. Despite how hard this year has been for me personally, if I had the option to go back in time to change it…I wouldn’t change a thing.

And that is because in my eyes, the battle is worth it at the end. I thought I that was alone in this world, that no matter what, no one would ever really like me if they knew the real me. But I was so wrong in thinking that. And if anyone reading this is having troubles…talk about what you’re having issues with. Trust someone. It helps, it really does.

Lessons From Music

I love music. In fact, I owe my life to the songs I listen to. I would love nothing more than to go to my favourite singer’s places and thank them for all the hard times they've helped me through. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. In fact, one of my closest friends and I once had a conversation about how songs can really influence us at times in our lives.

I agree with that so much. Songs do influence us, and there are many lessons we can learn from lyrics. I've got many songs on my iPod Shuffle that I turn to in times of struggle. Some mean more to me than others. Three in particular stand out – Carry On by Fun, Rise Above This by Seether and Closer to the Edge by 30 Seconds to Mars.

There was a time in my life that I wanted to give up with everything, especially earlier in the year. That was when I came across Carry On. My friend lent me the CD after discovering we both liked a few of their songs, and it was the best thing she could have possibly done.

“If you’re lost and alone

Or you’re sinking like a stone

Carry on

May your past be the sound

Of your feet upon the ground

Carry on”

This impacted me a lot. Especially when I felt this friend would just up and leave me. I worried constantly. This was the song I turned to when I felt like I couldn't breathe. This was the song I turned to when I was feeling stressed over study. This was the song that gave me the power to keep on going despite the way I felt. 

And then there was Rise Above This. I started listening to this because of a teacher I once had. She loved the band and at the time I didn't know it, so I looked up Seether and fell in love. However, it didn't impact me until a few months ago.

“Call your name every day, when I feel so helpless

I’m fallin’ down, but I’ll rise above this, rise above this

Call your name every day, when I seem so helpless,

I’m fallin’ down, but I’ll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I’ll mend myself before it gets me…”

This is a song that means a lot to me. It also gave me something when I needed it: hope. I believe the line that means the most is “I’m fallin’ down, but I’ll rise above this, rise above this doubt.” Everyone should take a good hard look at that line. Those words have become sort of an anthem for me of late. I had – and still have – a lot of doubts. But I’m overcoming those doubts. I’m mending myself.

Finally, we have Closer to the Edge. I've been a fan of Mars since 2009. I stopped listening to them earlier this year and I stopped wearing my Triad. Now, I've had many issues this year, one of which was self-harm. A few weeks ago, I made a mistake and felt very down on myself. I wanted to hurt myself. And then this came on my iPod.

Anyone who knows the song knows it’s got a good tune. Instead of doing something stupid, I got up and jumped around the room, dancing, acting like a complete idiot. I didn't care if anyone saw me. I didn't care what others may think if they knew I spent my time doing it. I didn't care or worry about anything. And best of all, it made me feel so much better by the time it was over. It very well saved my life that day.

“NO NO NO NO

I WILL NEVER FORGET

NO NO

I WILL NEVER REGRET

NO NO

I WILL LIVE MY LIFE”

I will never forget, nor will I regret. But I will live my life.

And that, readers, is why I think songs can save lives.