Trusting Others - Scary yet Good

I don’t know who to trust, no surprise.

That is a line from one of my favourite Linkin Park songs, From the Inside. For the longest time, I lived by that line. I would be walking home from school, listening to my mp3 (because iPods weren’t as common then) and it would come on. I would just think, this is so my life. And then, Leave out all the Rest, also by Linkin Park would come on:

I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared, but no one would listen, because no one else cared.

Those two lines from those two songs impacted me more than they should have. Yes, songs save lives, but they can also make us think. And for me, I would think, with From the Inside, that I didn’t know how to trust. I agreed with the song. Leave out all the Rest, however, gave me a different reaction: it would make me sad, because I didn’t believe I even had one person that would be scared if I went missing. Of course, I did first get into that song when a friend and I had a huge fight, so that probably impacted how I was thinking at the time.

I know I’m not alone in thinking this way. A lifetime of abuse – physical and emotional – as well as failed and turbulent friendships and relationships can cause this lack of trust in people. You walk into a room, look around, and you don’t know who to talk to, who will want to talk to you. You’re afraid. It happens way more often than what it should. And it’s unfortunate that we can feel this way.

Trust issues…its more than just not knowing who you can talk to. In my opinion, anyway – I’m not a mental health professional. It can also cause loneliness, anxiety and depression. All of which I’ve had the fun of fighting my way through. I’m not going to lie, the journey has been difficult. But do you know what? I didn’t do it alone.

I never trusted anyone. I never told anyone of what was bothering me. My issues started when I was still at school, still hanging around a group of people. I often felt alone in the crowd. I didn’t trust them and looking back, it was with a good reason. Of course, it’s been many years since I was at school, and these issues I’ve had have only gotten worse since then. But all my life, I hid it. I wore a mask. If someone asked how I was, I would reply fine, even though I was dying on the inside. No one really bothered to look deeper and that just reinforced what I suspected – that no one gave a damn.

But I was wrong.

There are some bad people in this world. You will never, ever hear me deny that fact. But there are some good people as well. And if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from the last few months, it’s that trusting another human being can help, so much. I never trusted anyone, I wore the mask…until someone managed to slip through the cracks and rip it down. The mask is gone. And it’s been scary, so very terrifying.

That one person knows more about my life than anyone else. And it has taken me so long to trust this person. It was a battle, especially at first – my heart was telling me to trust her but my brain told me that she would just screw me over, like so many other people have done. I lived in fear of the day happening that she would message me saying something like, “nah, sick of you, piss off.” Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore, and asked if we were friends…and then asked if she would stick around. And then asked again a few months later. And again, and over and over because I just couldn’t get it into my mind that someone actually liked me.

We’re still friends. Pretty damn good friends, I’d say. That would never have happened if I didn’t trust her with my issues, tell her how I was feeling. Some days I feel as though I owe my life to this friend, because her support has shown me that it is okay to trust other people. She taught me that it’s okay to seek help when you need it.

Trusting someone else, especially with something personal…it can be so hard to do. I know. It was a constant battle. But now, at the other end of that tunnel…it’s a good feeling, knowing that you’re not alone, that you have support if you need it. Despite how hard this year has been for me personally, if I had the option to go back in time to change it…I wouldn’t change a thing.

And that is because in my eyes, the battle is worth it at the end. I thought I that was alone in this world, that no matter what, no one would ever really like me if they knew the real me. But I was so wrong in thinking that. And if anyone reading this is having troubles…talk about what you’re having issues with. Trust someone. It helps, it really does.