The Linkin Park Thought Journey

What's this? A post about music? Why yes, it is indeed. Unfortunately that'll happen with me a lot; I tend to associate a lot of my life with music. Certain songs have helped me through bad times; certain songs have kept me alive! This post isn't really about what lessons we can take from music, though, its about a band. Linkin Park.

I came across Linkin Park when I was ten years old. My brother and I were watching one of those music television shows, and One Step Closer came on. For some reason, we both totally fell in love with it, and for the remainder of that day, we would scream, "SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU" at each other. As you can imagine, my parents didn't like that in the slightest.

Nearly twelve years later, I'm still a massive fan of their music. And I still count One Step Closer to be among my favourites, especially their Live in Texas version. If you haven't heard it, it's because there's a whole section added to it. And it just fits in so well, and sometimes I put it on just to hear it...

These are the places that I can't feel...torn my body my flesh it peels...during this ride we can cut off what we like...waiting alone I cannot resist...feeling this hate I have never missed...please someone give me a reason to peel off my...face...blood it is pouring...blood it is pouring...blood it is pouring...blood is pouring...shut up when I'm talking to you!

That can also be found in their version of One Step Closer on the CD Reanimate. Which, by the way, is very interesting and worth a listen to if you haven't already. Anyway, I'm totally going off topic here, which, unfortunately, is another thing that happens. When I start writing, my fingers do the thinking; my brain does not.

So earlier this evening, I was editing one of my novels. Of course, I can't watch television when I edit - tried that, I get too distracted - so I turned on shuffle and just let my music play. I came across a song I actually hadn't listened to in a long time...From the Inside, by my good old friends Linkin Park.

Now, From the Inside...its a bit of a funny song for me. Whenever I used to listen to it, I got sad. Of course, that never stopped me from listening to it. Why, I hear you ask? Well, it's because of the words...

I don't know who to trust, no surprise...everyone feels so far away from me...heavy thoughts sift through dust, and the lies...trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit, every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet, all I ever think about is this, all the tiring time between, and how trying to put my trust in you takes so much out of me...

Those words made me so very sad. Why? Because I didn't know who to trust. When I started to really, really like that song, I really had no idea who to trust. Now, I had friends at the time...but I didn't trust them. I know it sounds odd, to say I had friends but I trusted no one, but it was true. I didn't tell anyone anything personal. Too much had happened and, at the time, I decided the best thing I should ever do would be to distance myself from everyone. Because I had been hurt by those I called my friends in the past. I'd want to scream those words out as I was walking. I'd think of those words at work, when everyone ignored me because I was a lowly casual and they were all full-timers. And do you know what would run through my head? This: would I ever find someone to trust?

I decided that the answer to that would be no, not at all. The thought of actually finding someone who liked me, who I could actually trust...well, I thought that was as made up as my books are. These sorts of thoughts came through in a lot of those older Linkin Park songs I'd listen to. For example:

What I've done, I'll face myself - yes, I will, because no one will ever want to face it with me.

I wanna run away, never say goodbye - and no one will ever notice me going, because no one cares.

May your love never end, and if you need a friend, there's a seat here alongside me  - HA who would ever give me that seat?

I watch how the moon sits in the sky on the dark night, shining with the light of the sun, the sun doesn't give light to the moon assuming the moon's gonna owe it one, makes me think about how you act to me, do favours and rapidly just turn around and start asking me abut all the things you want back from me - well, yes, that's what people are like, right?

I dreamed I was missing...you were so scared...but no one would listen, because no one else cared... - hey, at least this person was scared. I wouldn't even have that. No would ever give a crap if I went missing.

And the one that would annoy me and make me the saddest:

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real, I wanna find something I've wanted all along...somewhere I belong - I will never find that.

So those were the thoughts I had when I would listen to Linkin Park. Not the happiest set of thoughts in the world, am I right? I had to stop listening to them when I was suffering through my depressive episodes, they would make me feel a hell of a lot worse. But despite that I'm still a strong fan and I still love them.

But they still make me think. For a band to be able to provide such thoughts, I think that's good. I mean, some music can be mindless. Linkin Park is not. Back then, I had such negative thoughts...but at the time, I was alone in the world. My friendships were shallow and not meaningful. I was used to people flaking out on me. Now that I've experienced a true friendship, now that I know how the world can really be - and yes, it's hard and not by any means perfect - and now that I have experienced happiness and trust, my thoughts have taken on a different quality. Now, when I hear some songs, I think a lot more positively.

Instead of thinking, pfft, no one would care, I think, my best friend would care. Instead of thinking, I really have no one to trust, I think, I know I can count on my best friend. This person came into my life last year and since then, my thought patterns have slowly changed. Which can only be a good thing, right?

All this came up because something happened the other day, something that made me think of all those past failed friendships and people who have backstabbed me...and from there, my mind just jumped to From the Inside. I don't think the way I used to but I still associate some songs with some feelings...in this case, feelings of loneliness and not trusting others. I've moved on, I'm not hurt anymore, but I haven't fully forgotten. I don't know if I ever will.

And maybe that's a good thing. Because I look at my life back then, and then look at it now...and it just makes me feel so much more grateful for what I have now, it makes me feel so thankful that I got through that, that I survived, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. So if you're reading this and have felt the same as what I did, back in the way, then just know: if good happened for me, it will for you too.

Peace out! Stay safe!

May your love never end, and if you need a friend, there's a seat here alongside me.

I have news!

So, I've got some news, people. First of all, though, I'm going to tell you that I'm sorry I've taken so long to upload a new post. I've had a rough few weeks, and when that happens, I tend to get quiet. And I apologise for that, but I think I'm going in the right direction again - yay!

So, I've decided to try and get my writing life back...I've been trying, and failing, to write new content lately, so I've come to the conclusion that perhaps I shouldn't be focusing on the new stuff, and should instead start editing the old ones. 

The way I see it, is if I never write a new novel again, the least I can do is edit and publish the old stuff. So that's what I'm going to do. In fact, I've even got a plan for it - it's called 7 by 22. I'm not going to explain that here, though.

I've started a new website which comes with a new blog. I was going to shut this one down, but then I decided to not. Some people may only log onto Blogger, while some may only go onto Wordpress. So whatever I'll post to that blog, I'll post here too...with the exception of the "welcome/about me" post I just uploaded to Wordpress.

So, isnead of telling you that I'm going to disappear from this site, I'm telling you that you can read here AND there. Also, there, you'll get information about my books when I upload them and make them available to buy. Follow me here, and follow me there as well...if you wish, anyway. 

My new wordpress site is http://scooperscribbler.wordpress.com 

Hope to see you there, but if not, until next time!

Life Lessons - From a Cat

The neighbours next door have a new kitten. It’s about nine or ten weeks old at the moment, an adorable little black thing. It’s the cutest little kitten I've ever seen; when I’m in my room I can hear it meow. 

And honestly, it’s the sweetest little sound I've ever heard. I've never had pets myself, so to hear, to pat, to look at it…I can’t properly describe how it feels.

I can say it makes me wish I had a kitten myself. I’m one of those weird people who will probably end up with three of them instead of getting married. For me, there’s the cuteness factor (some of those videos and pictures – ahh!) And then there’s the fact that I’d have company, a companion.

That may happen in years to come, but it really has no relevance to the point I’m making today. A few weeks ago, I saw a friend who lives down the street from me out for a walk. 

I went over to talk to her and the kitten was out at that moment – the owners let it out when they’re at home – and it was being an adventurous little thing. It was roaming all over the place and after a while, my friend and I stopped talking just to watch.

What would happen was it – no, not it, she – would go to jump up onto the low lying brick wall. At one stage, she slipped and fell to the ground. And what did the kitten do? 

She jumped up and tried again. The second time was successful, or course, and she continued to be adventurous. But as I watched I saw her exhibit more of the same behaviours.

It got me thinking. This little tiny kitten, she just…she didn't give up. If she failed, she’d just try again. But the more I thought, the more I realised…we tend not to do the same.

When we, humans, fail at something in life, we’ll tend to think, no, that’s it, I’m done. I know this for sure because I've done it. I've experienced something, I've had failures and i've just given up. 

A few years ago I tried to get a book published. And when I contacted all the Literary Agents in Australia, I gave up. I gave up writing, I gave up on my dream. And I never really got over that. I mean, I've written a few more novels since then and I have published online but I have not considered contacting a Literary Agent once more. And I don't really want to because last time, it was a fail.

When I was at school and I failed a class, I didn't try again. I went to the office and changed the subject to something I wouldn't fail. When I fell off my bike a few years ago, I didn't get back on. When my father tried to teach me how to drive and I almost crashed into a tree...I got out of the car. And I have not tried to drive again.

I'm not saying everyone lives life like this. In fact, for all I know, it's just me. But I have found that in general, we tend to...give up after a while. If something doesn't go our way, we'll just give up and decide on something else. This can happen with anything, meals we make, hobbies, jobs, it can happen anywhere in our lives.

But this kitten didn't give up. It failed, it fell, but it jumped up again, trusting herself that she'll make the leap once more. And she did.

So I guess...all we need in life is a little faith in ourselves, and the courage to try again, and again, until we get what we want. I don't know about you all, but I've decided to live my life like a cat.

Scoop's Life - Holiday Edition

Hey people! So I decided that maybe I should start writing more about my life, as in, what I do at certain points in time. This is something I always aimed to do when I first started a blog, because I’ve found a lot of other bloggers to almost seem...robotic. As in, they will talk about issues and reference themselves, but give no indication about their lives. I mean, come on. I’d want you guys to actually believe the personal things I say, not to think that I’ve add them in for effect and nothing else.

Originally I had thought of doing something like this on YouTube...but my confidence isn’t quite there yet. One day, perhaps, if I thought people would be interested in what I had to say.

Anyway, here comes a new line of posts: Scoop’s life. There will be absolutely no schedule for these; I’ll type them up when something noteworthy happens, or just when I want to give a little insight into my world that DOESN’T involve great personal truths and realisations. And is there really a better time to start it off than today, right now?

I should let you all know, I’m typing this at five past twelve on Saturday morning, but it won’t be posted until Saturday night at the earliest. Why? That would be because I am not at home right now. Where am I, I hear you ask? Well, my friends, I am currently in a hotel room, across the road from the beach.

Why am I in a hotel room across the road from the beach, I hear you ask? That would be because my extended family, who live a state away, came here for a holiday. We don’t live near the beach at all, so my parents decided to come down for the night. I decided to join, after much deliberation. I was nervous, see, very nervous, because the last time I came down here...I had a panic attack. A rather large one at that, probably the worst I’ve ever had.

So I was worried the same thing would happen. In fact, I had a panic attack while worrying about a panic attack (panic-ception!) and it got to the point of me having to beg my friend to talk to me to help calm me down, which I really hate doing (and if said friend is reading this - I really hate do it, trust me on that).

I’m panic free so far, but I did have a moment of rage that was very powerful. Let’s just say my family doesn’t cope well in large strange cities when we’re lost.

So I’m in this hotel room. I thought I’d be sharing with my parents, because we booked online as three adults. Well, imagine my surprise when they gave us the key to not one, but two rooms! Yes, I am in hotel room all on my lonesome. And I have to admit...it’s odd. I mean I’m typing this in the dark right now, because there’s no points to having lights on (and I’m hoping to make my eyes tired so I can sleep) and it’s just...odd. I mean, it’s a self-contained little room. I’ve got a fridge, bathroom, tv, my laptop...I have a balcony, air con...everything I would need to live a life, really. And it’s just odd, because for the first time, I see what it would be like if I moved out of home.

Now, I’m turning 22 this year, and by this stage in life, most are getting on with their lives. And by that I mean, they work and they're thinking of moving out of home...if they haven't already. I am not one of those people. I don't work, and I spent much of my time within my bedroom. 

I’ve now been in this hotel room alone for three hours now and its weirding me out. I mean, there are sounds from the street (they do NOT go to bed early here) and there’s a hum from the tv and fridge, but...I’m alone. This is what it would be like to live in an apartment alone. I don’t like it. One bit. In fact, even though it always annoyed me, I’m missing my father’s snoring!

Clearly, I’d be far better off with a roommate if I ever moved out. So, because the chances of me getting married are zilch, I’m going to live at home until I’m 40 like my uncle, or I’ve got to find a friend who would let me move in with them.

Someone just screamed something out in the night. It’s kind of creepy here. Me and strange new places just do not mix. See, I’m quite the paranoid person. That just makes thing so much more fun…when you’re in a new place…without your nice soft blanket…or your stuffed penguin to snuggle into.

Yes, I’m 22 and I have a huge stuffed penguin who I cuddle to sleep. Is that weird? I don’t think so, personally. Other people have animals and boyfriends/spouses, I have a penguin, which my dad has tried to name “Percy,” and then “Pin,” for some unknown reason.

I had Starbucks for the first time tonight. It was nice, but so much hotter than any place where I come from. The tip of my tongue is still tender. It was good though; nice and creamy. I now see why people like it so much. And I’m glad I did have that coffee because I very stupidly decided to have Rum and Coke with my dinner. I got carded, of course, before I was allowed to get it and I swear, there would have been like 70% Rum and 30% Coke in that thing, it was so unbelievably strong.

Ordering alcohol when you’re on medication isn’t exactly the best idea in the world, but where I come from its Coke with only a dash of Rum, not half a bottle. Plus, I needed something to take the edge off after getting lost and fighting with the family. The damn thing went straight to my head and I almost puked right then and there. My head still feels weird but it’s not as bad. Lesson learned here: stay away from the alcohol! I must have a low tolerance.

Tomorrow (or later today) we plan to go to the beach. I’m looking forward to that. I can’t swim, I’ve never been able to, but I love taking photos. I’ve already taken a few, but you can never have too many. Honestly, I could spend all my money and I would hold my photos to a higher esteem. Especially after my SD card went corrupt a few months ago, and my External hard drive not long after that, making me lose pretty much all photos from mid-2012 to now. To everyone reading: BACK UP YOUR PHOTOS!

Before I attempt to wrap this up, I just want to say something. I mentioned earlier about having panic attacks over whether or not I would have panic attacks down here. Last time I was here, last year, I did have a massive one. It was huge, it lasted for hours and I never, ever want to repeat it. The thing is with me, I fear what I can’t control. Anything to do with the future, I fear...and I also base current actions on previous ones. The thoughts went something like this: it rained the last time we went to the coast and I had a panic attack, it’s predicted rain this time and we’re going to the same place, therefore I will get another panic attack.

That’s what I focused on…the negative that happened. The fact that it would have been caused by the amount of people, the lights and heat from the shops...I should have been focusing on what happened the day after that panic attack. I woke up the next morning (I was with a group, we stayed over at someone’s house) feeling perfectly normal. I should have focused on the fact that no matter what, the bad feelings go. No matter what, resolution and relief will come. And I want you all to remember that if you’re going through some rough times.

If anyone would like to see the photos from my trip, I will be posting them on my tumblr, from tomorrow for the next week, which you can access by clicking here along with the tag “Scoops Coast Getaway” tag.

2013 - My View

I don't know if this is a thing that people do, nor do I know if anyone is even going to read this because, well, there is no great enlightening truths to this post; there is no amazing story for your eyes to ravish. Instead, this is where I discuss 2013...my 2013. My year, my views, my...my life, I guess.

So the year started not too well for me; I ended up having a fight with a friend of mine because he lied to his other friends about hanging out with me. I felt like he was ashamed to be around me and, in the end, I found out that pretty much was the case. Apparently no one liked me much and he wanted to avoid people saying 'ew, why are you hanging around her?'

Not the best start in the world, but I figured it was salvageable. I decided that it was high time to prove my old high school wrong about me, and enrolled into University. I got in, too, and I started to study a Diploma in Science, where I would focus on Information Technology. I survived for all of a term before the stress of exam time got to me and I quit. I felt like a terrible, useless failure and when that happened, which was the middle of the year, I was pretty much at my worst.

Between January and July, though, I had a lot of other stuff going on. Mach marked my first real mental 'break,' in which I ended up at the doctors. The result of that was me going on pills and being diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. That month also marked me coming to the realisation that someone I thought was a friend didn't care for me at all, because when I tried to tell said person about my problems, I was brushed aside like I didn't matter. It was also when I decided that I should just screw the world and should do what I want to do with my body, and got a nose and tragus piercing.

April marked me ending up in the hospital for the second time due to acute abdominal pain. Like the first time I went to the hospital, back in 2011, I was told there wasn't anything medically wrong with me apart from having Tachycardia, which means my heart rate was high, and they contributed that to stress and pain. It also marked me going to the doctor with it and having an ultrasound, which, once again, failed to shed any light on what was causing the pain. I still have no idea what it is, and I still get it. My body is a fun one.

In May, I turned 21 and got my first tattoo.

June and July meant stress, lots and lots of it, thanks to study. I had several panic attacks and returned to my old coping method of punching the walls for the pain and self harm. Near the end, though, the first good thing to happen in a while happened: I got a phone call from a study service, offering me a place in a Dual Diploma of Business and Management.

The next few months were focused on me studying and attempting to try and turn my life around. All I can say, it was hard. Over the years I had come to view the world in my mindset: that life was horrible, I was undeserving of nice things and good luck, that no one would ever love me in a million years...and trying to break free of that has been bloody murder. 

The first half of the year was when my mental condition was bad, but the second half was when I tried to turn it around, which was hard. Instead of just feeling like crap all the time, I would have my good days and my bad days. I couldn't break free of self harm, either, which just made things that much more harder. I still got panic attacks, and even worse, I felt bone crushingly lonely, but I was determined to work through it.

In September I decided that it was time I did what I've wanted to do for a long time, and I published a novel of mine online. You can buy it from the Kindle store, by the way; its called The Thorn Method by S Cooper. Check it out if you wish. I haven't had many sales at all and I haven't made any money from it, but I don't care. I finally did something I've always wanted to do, but was always too scared to attempt.

In November, I was also determined to work through something else. I had quit study at Uni, but I had an outstanding exam...and I was going to sit it. The weeks leading up to it produced much stress for me, along with fear of failure and my old problem, having difficulty swallowing food (stress related condition, NOT an eating disorder) and I very nearly decided to skip it.

I didn't, though, and in December I found out I passed it. And then I submitted an application for a whole new course next year, and what do you know? I got accepted. 

That pretty much brings us to Christmas, and nothing much happened after then at all. In fact, the last month, nothing has happened at all, except for me finishing my Diploma (okay, maybe that is a big thing) and me choosing my classes for Uni, so it's all nice and official now.

Before I wrap this up, though, there's one major element of this year that I can't just leave out. There has been someone at my side this whole year, someone who has been pulling me along when I need it, someone who gives me a nice kick up the backside when I'm being a stupid idiot. I'm not mentioning her name, but she has been a major help to me this year. And when I say major, I mean major. She is the one I turned to when things got bad and, despite my fears, has stuck around this whole time.

I'm not the easiest person to be around, nor am I the sanest. In fact, I've had a lot of anxiety, panic attacks and freak outs over the thought of being abandoned and such, or worrying that she doesn't care. It wasn't so bad the first half of the year, but it got a hell of a lot worse during the second half, when I was trying to better myself. I wonder if it's because I fully trust her with the crap that goes on in my mind. I trust her, there's something I also learned to do properly this year.

I'm not sure why it worked out like that, but I'm grateful to her. She helped me through all of it. And for that, I thank her. I know not everyone out there has a person like that, but I never thought I would get someone like her either, and yet, she walked into my life and has stuck around. Even now, months on, I still get anxious when she doesn't message me for a week, but I'm trying to work on that. Progress is slow, but I think now that the friendship is not new and I feel like there have been 'rules' established...well, I think It's going to be easier. At least, I hope it's going to be easier!

And on that note, I'm going to end on something that she once said to me, the best thing ever that I have never forgotten: 

There is always hope.