2013 - My View

I don't know if this is a thing that people do, nor do I know if anyone is even going to read this because, well, there is no great enlightening truths to this post; there is no amazing story for your eyes to ravish. Instead, this is where I discuss 2013...my 2013. My year, my views, my...my life, I guess.

So the year started not too well for me; I ended up having a fight with a friend of mine because he lied to his other friends about hanging out with me. I felt like he was ashamed to be around me and, in the end, I found out that pretty much was the case. Apparently no one liked me much and he wanted to avoid people saying 'ew, why are you hanging around her?'

Not the best start in the world, but I figured it was salvageable. I decided that it was high time to prove my old high school wrong about me, and enrolled into University. I got in, too, and I started to study a Diploma in Science, where I would focus on Information Technology. I survived for all of a term before the stress of exam time got to me and I quit. I felt like a terrible, useless failure and when that happened, which was the middle of the year, I was pretty much at my worst.

Between January and July, though, I had a lot of other stuff going on. Mach marked my first real mental 'break,' in which I ended up at the doctors. The result of that was me going on pills and being diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. That month also marked me coming to the realisation that someone I thought was a friend didn't care for me at all, because when I tried to tell said person about my problems, I was brushed aside like I didn't matter. It was also when I decided that I should just screw the world and should do what I want to do with my body, and got a nose and tragus piercing.

April marked me ending up in the hospital for the second time due to acute abdominal pain. Like the first time I went to the hospital, back in 2011, I was told there wasn't anything medically wrong with me apart from having Tachycardia, which means my heart rate was high, and they contributed that to stress and pain. It also marked me going to the doctor with it and having an ultrasound, which, once again, failed to shed any light on what was causing the pain. I still have no idea what it is, and I still get it. My body is a fun one.

In May, I turned 21 and got my first tattoo.

June and July meant stress, lots and lots of it, thanks to study. I had several panic attacks and returned to my old coping method of punching the walls for the pain and self harm. Near the end, though, the first good thing to happen in a while happened: I got a phone call from a study service, offering me a place in a Dual Diploma of Business and Management.

The next few months were focused on me studying and attempting to try and turn my life around. All I can say, it was hard. Over the years I had come to view the world in my mindset: that life was horrible, I was undeserving of nice things and good luck, that no one would ever love me in a million years...and trying to break free of that has been bloody murder. 

The first half of the year was when my mental condition was bad, but the second half was when I tried to turn it around, which was hard. Instead of just feeling like crap all the time, I would have my good days and my bad days. I couldn't break free of self harm, either, which just made things that much more harder. I still got panic attacks, and even worse, I felt bone crushingly lonely, but I was determined to work through it.

In September I decided that it was time I did what I've wanted to do for a long time, and I published a novel of mine online. You can buy it from the Kindle store, by the way; its called The Thorn Method by S Cooper. Check it out if you wish. I haven't had many sales at all and I haven't made any money from it, but I don't care. I finally did something I've always wanted to do, but was always too scared to attempt.

In November, I was also determined to work through something else. I had quit study at Uni, but I had an outstanding exam...and I was going to sit it. The weeks leading up to it produced much stress for me, along with fear of failure and my old problem, having difficulty swallowing food (stress related condition, NOT an eating disorder) and I very nearly decided to skip it.

I didn't, though, and in December I found out I passed it. And then I submitted an application for a whole new course next year, and what do you know? I got accepted. 

That pretty much brings us to Christmas, and nothing much happened after then at all. In fact, the last month, nothing has happened at all, except for me finishing my Diploma (okay, maybe that is a big thing) and me choosing my classes for Uni, so it's all nice and official now.

Before I wrap this up, though, there's one major element of this year that I can't just leave out. There has been someone at my side this whole year, someone who has been pulling me along when I need it, someone who gives me a nice kick up the backside when I'm being a stupid idiot. I'm not mentioning her name, but she has been a major help to me this year. And when I say major, I mean major. She is the one I turned to when things got bad and, despite my fears, has stuck around this whole time.

I'm not the easiest person to be around, nor am I the sanest. In fact, I've had a lot of anxiety, panic attacks and freak outs over the thought of being abandoned and such, or worrying that she doesn't care. It wasn't so bad the first half of the year, but it got a hell of a lot worse during the second half, when I was trying to better myself. I wonder if it's because I fully trust her with the crap that goes on in my mind. I trust her, there's something I also learned to do properly this year.

I'm not sure why it worked out like that, but I'm grateful to her. She helped me through all of it. And for that, I thank her. I know not everyone out there has a person like that, but I never thought I would get someone like her either, and yet, she walked into my life and has stuck around. Even now, months on, I still get anxious when she doesn't message me for a week, but I'm trying to work on that. Progress is slow, but I think now that the friendship is not new and I feel like there have been 'rules' established...well, I think It's going to be easier. At least, I hope it's going to be easier!

And on that note, I'm going to end on something that she once said to me, the best thing ever that I have never forgotten: 

There is always hope.