Life Lessons - From a Cat

The neighbours next door have a new kitten. It’s about nine or ten weeks old at the moment, an adorable little black thing. It’s the cutest little kitten I've ever seen; when I’m in my room I can hear it meow. 

And honestly, it’s the sweetest little sound I've ever heard. I've never had pets myself, so to hear, to pat, to look at it…I can’t properly describe how it feels.

I can say it makes me wish I had a kitten myself. I’m one of those weird people who will probably end up with three of them instead of getting married. For me, there’s the cuteness factor (some of those videos and pictures – ahh!) And then there’s the fact that I’d have company, a companion.

That may happen in years to come, but it really has no relevance to the point I’m making today. A few weeks ago, I saw a friend who lives down the street from me out for a walk. 

I went over to talk to her and the kitten was out at that moment – the owners let it out when they’re at home – and it was being an adventurous little thing. It was roaming all over the place and after a while, my friend and I stopped talking just to watch.

What would happen was it – no, not it, she – would go to jump up onto the low lying brick wall. At one stage, she slipped and fell to the ground. And what did the kitten do? 

She jumped up and tried again. The second time was successful, or course, and she continued to be adventurous. But as I watched I saw her exhibit more of the same behaviours.

It got me thinking. This little tiny kitten, she just…she didn't give up. If she failed, she’d just try again. But the more I thought, the more I realised…we tend not to do the same.

When we, humans, fail at something in life, we’ll tend to think, no, that’s it, I’m done. I know this for sure because I've done it. I've experienced something, I've had failures and i've just given up. 

A few years ago I tried to get a book published. And when I contacted all the Literary Agents in Australia, I gave up. I gave up writing, I gave up on my dream. And I never really got over that. I mean, I've written a few more novels since then and I have published online but I have not considered contacting a Literary Agent once more. And I don't really want to because last time, it was a fail.

When I was at school and I failed a class, I didn't try again. I went to the office and changed the subject to something I wouldn't fail. When I fell off my bike a few years ago, I didn't get back on. When my father tried to teach me how to drive and I almost crashed into a tree...I got out of the car. And I have not tried to drive again.

I'm not saying everyone lives life like this. In fact, for all I know, it's just me. But I have found that in general, we tend to...give up after a while. If something doesn't go our way, we'll just give up and decide on something else. This can happen with anything, meals we make, hobbies, jobs, it can happen anywhere in our lives.

But this kitten didn't give up. It failed, it fell, but it jumped up again, trusting herself that she'll make the leap once more. And she did.

So I guess...all we need in life is a little faith in ourselves, and the courage to try again, and again, until we get what we want. I don't know about you all, but I've decided to live my life like a cat.

Scoop's Life - Holiday Edition

Hey people! So I decided that maybe I should start writing more about my life, as in, what I do at certain points in time. This is something I always aimed to do when I first started a blog, because I’ve found a lot of other bloggers to almost seem...robotic. As in, they will talk about issues and reference themselves, but give no indication about their lives. I mean, come on. I’d want you guys to actually believe the personal things I say, not to think that I’ve add them in for effect and nothing else.

Originally I had thought of doing something like this on YouTube...but my confidence isn’t quite there yet. One day, perhaps, if I thought people would be interested in what I had to say.

Anyway, here comes a new line of posts: Scoop’s life. There will be absolutely no schedule for these; I’ll type them up when something noteworthy happens, or just when I want to give a little insight into my world that DOESN’T involve great personal truths and realisations. And is there really a better time to start it off than today, right now?

I should let you all know, I’m typing this at five past twelve on Saturday morning, but it won’t be posted until Saturday night at the earliest. Why? That would be because I am not at home right now. Where am I, I hear you ask? Well, my friends, I am currently in a hotel room, across the road from the beach.

Why am I in a hotel room across the road from the beach, I hear you ask? That would be because my extended family, who live a state away, came here for a holiday. We don’t live near the beach at all, so my parents decided to come down for the night. I decided to join, after much deliberation. I was nervous, see, very nervous, because the last time I came down here...I had a panic attack. A rather large one at that, probably the worst I’ve ever had.

So I was worried the same thing would happen. In fact, I had a panic attack while worrying about a panic attack (panic-ception!) and it got to the point of me having to beg my friend to talk to me to help calm me down, which I really hate doing (and if said friend is reading this - I really hate do it, trust me on that).

I’m panic free so far, but I did have a moment of rage that was very powerful. Let’s just say my family doesn’t cope well in large strange cities when we’re lost.

So I’m in this hotel room. I thought I’d be sharing with my parents, because we booked online as three adults. Well, imagine my surprise when they gave us the key to not one, but two rooms! Yes, I am in hotel room all on my lonesome. And I have to admit...it’s odd. I mean I’m typing this in the dark right now, because there’s no points to having lights on (and I’m hoping to make my eyes tired so I can sleep) and it’s just...odd. I mean, it’s a self-contained little room. I’ve got a fridge, bathroom, tv, my laptop...I have a balcony, air con...everything I would need to live a life, really. And it’s just odd, because for the first time, I see what it would be like if I moved out of home.

Now, I’m turning 22 this year, and by this stage in life, most are getting on with their lives. And by that I mean, they work and they're thinking of moving out of home...if they haven't already. I am not one of those people. I don't work, and I spent much of my time within my bedroom. 

I’ve now been in this hotel room alone for three hours now and its weirding me out. I mean, there are sounds from the street (they do NOT go to bed early here) and there’s a hum from the tv and fridge, but...I’m alone. This is what it would be like to live in an apartment alone. I don’t like it. One bit. In fact, even though it always annoyed me, I’m missing my father’s snoring!

Clearly, I’d be far better off with a roommate if I ever moved out. So, because the chances of me getting married are zilch, I’m going to live at home until I’m 40 like my uncle, or I’ve got to find a friend who would let me move in with them.

Someone just screamed something out in the night. It’s kind of creepy here. Me and strange new places just do not mix. See, I’m quite the paranoid person. That just makes thing so much more fun…when you’re in a new place…without your nice soft blanket…or your stuffed penguin to snuggle into.

Yes, I’m 22 and I have a huge stuffed penguin who I cuddle to sleep. Is that weird? I don’t think so, personally. Other people have animals and boyfriends/spouses, I have a penguin, which my dad has tried to name “Percy,” and then “Pin,” for some unknown reason.

I had Starbucks for the first time tonight. It was nice, but so much hotter than any place where I come from. The tip of my tongue is still tender. It was good though; nice and creamy. I now see why people like it so much. And I’m glad I did have that coffee because I very stupidly decided to have Rum and Coke with my dinner. I got carded, of course, before I was allowed to get it and I swear, there would have been like 70% Rum and 30% Coke in that thing, it was so unbelievably strong.

Ordering alcohol when you’re on medication isn’t exactly the best idea in the world, but where I come from its Coke with only a dash of Rum, not half a bottle. Plus, I needed something to take the edge off after getting lost and fighting with the family. The damn thing went straight to my head and I almost puked right then and there. My head still feels weird but it’s not as bad. Lesson learned here: stay away from the alcohol! I must have a low tolerance.

Tomorrow (or later today) we plan to go to the beach. I’m looking forward to that. I can’t swim, I’ve never been able to, but I love taking photos. I’ve already taken a few, but you can never have too many. Honestly, I could spend all my money and I would hold my photos to a higher esteem. Especially after my SD card went corrupt a few months ago, and my External hard drive not long after that, making me lose pretty much all photos from mid-2012 to now. To everyone reading: BACK UP YOUR PHOTOS!

Before I attempt to wrap this up, I just want to say something. I mentioned earlier about having panic attacks over whether or not I would have panic attacks down here. Last time I was here, last year, I did have a massive one. It was huge, it lasted for hours and I never, ever want to repeat it. The thing is with me, I fear what I can’t control. Anything to do with the future, I fear...and I also base current actions on previous ones. The thoughts went something like this: it rained the last time we went to the coast and I had a panic attack, it’s predicted rain this time and we’re going to the same place, therefore I will get another panic attack.

That’s what I focused on…the negative that happened. The fact that it would have been caused by the amount of people, the lights and heat from the shops...I should have been focusing on what happened the day after that panic attack. I woke up the next morning (I was with a group, we stayed over at someone’s house) feeling perfectly normal. I should have focused on the fact that no matter what, the bad feelings go. No matter what, resolution and relief will come. And I want you all to remember that if you’re going through some rough times.

If anyone would like to see the photos from my trip, I will be posting them on my tumblr, from tomorrow for the next week, which you can access by clicking here along with the tag “Scoops Coast Getaway” tag.

2013 - My View

I don't know if this is a thing that people do, nor do I know if anyone is even going to read this because, well, there is no great enlightening truths to this post; there is no amazing story for your eyes to ravish. Instead, this is where I discuss 2013...my 2013. My year, my views, my...my life, I guess.

So the year started not too well for me; I ended up having a fight with a friend of mine because he lied to his other friends about hanging out with me. I felt like he was ashamed to be around me and, in the end, I found out that pretty much was the case. Apparently no one liked me much and he wanted to avoid people saying 'ew, why are you hanging around her?'

Not the best start in the world, but I figured it was salvageable. I decided that it was high time to prove my old high school wrong about me, and enrolled into University. I got in, too, and I started to study a Diploma in Science, where I would focus on Information Technology. I survived for all of a term before the stress of exam time got to me and I quit. I felt like a terrible, useless failure and when that happened, which was the middle of the year, I was pretty much at my worst.

Between January and July, though, I had a lot of other stuff going on. Mach marked my first real mental 'break,' in which I ended up at the doctors. The result of that was me going on pills and being diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression. That month also marked me coming to the realisation that someone I thought was a friend didn't care for me at all, because when I tried to tell said person about my problems, I was brushed aside like I didn't matter. It was also when I decided that I should just screw the world and should do what I want to do with my body, and got a nose and tragus piercing.

April marked me ending up in the hospital for the second time due to acute abdominal pain. Like the first time I went to the hospital, back in 2011, I was told there wasn't anything medically wrong with me apart from having Tachycardia, which means my heart rate was high, and they contributed that to stress and pain. It also marked me going to the doctor with it and having an ultrasound, which, once again, failed to shed any light on what was causing the pain. I still have no idea what it is, and I still get it. My body is a fun one.

In May, I turned 21 and got my first tattoo.

June and July meant stress, lots and lots of it, thanks to study. I had several panic attacks and returned to my old coping method of punching the walls for the pain and self harm. Near the end, though, the first good thing to happen in a while happened: I got a phone call from a study service, offering me a place in a Dual Diploma of Business and Management.

The next few months were focused on me studying and attempting to try and turn my life around. All I can say, it was hard. Over the years I had come to view the world in my mindset: that life was horrible, I was undeserving of nice things and good luck, that no one would ever love me in a million years...and trying to break free of that has been bloody murder. 

The first half of the year was when my mental condition was bad, but the second half was when I tried to turn it around, which was hard. Instead of just feeling like crap all the time, I would have my good days and my bad days. I couldn't break free of self harm, either, which just made things that much more harder. I still got panic attacks, and even worse, I felt bone crushingly lonely, but I was determined to work through it.

In September I decided that it was time I did what I've wanted to do for a long time, and I published a novel of mine online. You can buy it from the Kindle store, by the way; its called The Thorn Method by S Cooper. Check it out if you wish. I haven't had many sales at all and I haven't made any money from it, but I don't care. I finally did something I've always wanted to do, but was always too scared to attempt.

In November, I was also determined to work through something else. I had quit study at Uni, but I had an outstanding exam...and I was going to sit it. The weeks leading up to it produced much stress for me, along with fear of failure and my old problem, having difficulty swallowing food (stress related condition, NOT an eating disorder) and I very nearly decided to skip it.

I didn't, though, and in December I found out I passed it. And then I submitted an application for a whole new course next year, and what do you know? I got accepted. 

That pretty much brings us to Christmas, and nothing much happened after then at all. In fact, the last month, nothing has happened at all, except for me finishing my Diploma (okay, maybe that is a big thing) and me choosing my classes for Uni, so it's all nice and official now.

Before I wrap this up, though, there's one major element of this year that I can't just leave out. There has been someone at my side this whole year, someone who has been pulling me along when I need it, someone who gives me a nice kick up the backside when I'm being a stupid idiot. I'm not mentioning her name, but she has been a major help to me this year. And when I say major, I mean major. She is the one I turned to when things got bad and, despite my fears, has stuck around this whole time.

I'm not the easiest person to be around, nor am I the sanest. In fact, I've had a lot of anxiety, panic attacks and freak outs over the thought of being abandoned and such, or worrying that she doesn't care. It wasn't so bad the first half of the year, but it got a hell of a lot worse during the second half, when I was trying to better myself. I wonder if it's because I fully trust her with the crap that goes on in my mind. I trust her, there's something I also learned to do properly this year.

I'm not sure why it worked out like that, but I'm grateful to her. She helped me through all of it. And for that, I thank her. I know not everyone out there has a person like that, but I never thought I would get someone like her either, and yet, she walked into my life and has stuck around. Even now, months on, I still get anxious when she doesn't message me for a week, but I'm trying to work on that. Progress is slow, but I think now that the friendship is not new and I feel like there have been 'rules' established...well, I think It's going to be easier. At least, I hope it's going to be easier!

And on that note, I'm going to end on something that she once said to me, the best thing ever that I have never forgotten: 

There is always hope.