Wall of Brick

For the first time since I started this blog, I'm unsure of how to start. Not because this topic is a hard one for me, or because it's triggering or anything like that, but because of what it means. I don't know if writing this is even a really good idea, I may not get the reaction I would like, but I'm doing it anyway because at this point...there's not much more I can do.

Beware - this may get...emotional. Read on at your own risk.

This story starts about early October last year. At the time I felt so alone, I had a...a friend, if you could call this person that, but said friend didn't care much about what I was going through and I felt so alone. Purely by chance I mentioned it to someone I'd known for a long while but wasn't overly close with. Normally reactions of when saying you're lonely are "meet more people!" But not this person. No, this person...she offered to hang out one day. 

It sounds like nothing but to me, it was like...it was the very best thing anyone could have ever said. See, this woman, she's older than me and I actually knew her when I was a kid - when she was a young adult. And I used to look up to her and wish I could know her, wish I could be more like her. Never did I think she would want to talk to me but for some reason she offered. And a few months later - that's how long it took me to get up the courage - I took it.

I won't go into a great deal of detail here - because if I did then would end up being well over 10,000 words - but we did end up catching up one day. I was so nervous I thought I'd throw up; it had been ages since I'd been social and I was starting to get the symptoms of Anxiety and Depression quite bad. But I got through it. And I had fun, and she seemed to like me, which is more than I never thought would happen. No, meeting up again was more than I would ever think would happen, but that did too. 

I was going through a really bad time by this stage of the year. I was getting so anxious I couldn't eat and while I liked this person so much...my defective, non trusting brain wouldn't allow me to believe she actually did like me. I tried to keep that in as much as possible though, tried to pretend I was normal but...I didn't want to pretend around her. I was sick of lying, of not being myself. So I started to share my problems, thinking she would run away.

She didn't.

Oh man, this is getting harder and harder write. And to see. I can get somewhat emotional sometimes.

Right, so, instead of running away, she stuck around. And from then on I started to message her if something was wrong, if I was having panic attacks, if...if anything. And now I feel so guilty for doing all that because it just doesn't seem fair to her, even though she's said before that she's just glad she can help. But I still feel guilty because it's something I can't really repay.

I also feel guilty because, in the past, I've had quite...bad friendships. I'm used to being put down, being treated like I don't matter. I'm that person people brush aside to talk to the more "important" people, I'm the one no one cares about, the one people just tolerate. she didn't treat me that way, though, and I'll admit, it scared me - did it just mean she was keeping it all inside? Was she really just stringing me along? Those were the sorts of things that would go on in my head on a daily basis.

And right now I'm glad I can touch type because my eyesight is getting blurry.

So I've been burned before...and that makes me distrustful. Very, very, very distrustful. It got bad, too - after we hung out the first time her computer went on the fritz and she didn't message me back for about three weeks. Well I didn't know that but I thought I'd blown a chance at the friendship. And I spent days in panic attack mode. 

I'm ashamed to admit it's happened way more times. I have a handle on it now...most of the time...so it's not so bad any more. But there's still an underlying thought of, "what if she gets sick of me?" Because everyone in the past has gotten sick of me. I have never had a friendship last any longer than six months. So for the last year I've been waiting for it to happen but it never has.

No one has stuck with me like this woman. No friend has ever cared about me like this woman. She was there for me during everything and I can never, ever, EVER, thank her enough or repay her. 

So, my friend who is out there...I'm so, so, so sorry for my insecurities. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong, it's all on me. It's all on my defective brain. You mean so much to me and I hope you know that. I hope you never forget that. I know I have so many issues but you've done more for me in one year that my so called friend from school ever did in 14 years. You get me when no one else does. And I know I'm hard work and you need breaks and stuff and I'm sorry I don't really make that easy for you, and I know you get annoyed when I keep asking if we really are friends and if you really do care but its because I'm used to people no caring all too much. 

I know you don't like it when I'm down on myself but being positive and hopeful is something I'm not used to and it takes a hell of a lot of work. I know you hate me apologising but I'm used to grudges and fights and all that and our friendship has just been so different to what I'm used to. I know you really don't like it when I say I'm not important but all my life I've been treated like I wasn't important, even by my own brother, my grandparents. It's hard to forget.

And one again, I know you don't like the way I ask if we are friends  and them amount I message you but its just because I'm just so damn terrified of losing the only good thing I've had in my life this year. I don't want to be forgotten. And I know that makes me selfish but...please...don't leave me. 

I wrote this poem earlier today for you. I hope you like it. It's called Wall of Brick, and it's basically about everything you've done for me. I can never repay you. I can never say thank you enough, or never apologise enough for the amount of crap I've put you through this year. But I hope this at least...starts to pay off the mammoth debt I owe you.

I had walls up as far as they would go
No one could penetrate them, no 
Hiding behind a substance so thick
These walls, they were made of brick

And then someone came along 
Into my life like some sort of song
You soon found the way I tick
And out fell the first brick

I was afraid you would run
No one really knew me, none 
But by some miracle you stuck around
And it all came tumbling down

Inside I was so raw
From hiding for so long
You helped me up off the floor
And stayed as I clawed my way to the door

I was scared for so long
But now I'm outside fighting 
Thanks to you, who kept me ticking
You, who helped me start kicking
Down that wall, made of brick
-Scoop, 30/10/2013

PS - this doesn't even cover HALF of what I wish I could say but I'm not going to post any more. Just...you saved me. And I love you like a sister...if I had a sister. And I hope that doesn't scare you away.
PPS - And I And now my face is itchy with dried tears. Oh, no, they're still rolling down. This is why I don't talk like this in person, you really would run away!

Mistakes of the Mind

We've all heard the saying "boys will be boys," haven't we? Yeah? Well, I've got a new saying to add to that - humans will be humans.

Now if you're a person that frequently looks at my blog (now that, people, is HOPE) you'll know that I recently posted about mistakes. If you haven't seen that post and you want to see that post, you can check it out by clicking this link right now. Do it - I dare you! 

So, we're all human beings, right? Which means we have on thing in common, no matter what gender you are, what age or where you live. And that thing is that we all do make mistakes. If anyone has ever said to you that they have never made any mistakes then they're probably the worst of them all because WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES IN LIFE. No matter what, we all make mistakes.

As I said in the other post, some are big and some aren't. Some are due to sheer stupidity and some are simply because you made the wrong decision. And that's okay. It's how we learn. Where I am right now, there's a thing on the wall that says, "Don't judge your ability by your first attempt. Judge it by wither you keep trying and keep learning. And don't let anyone else judge it."

Keep learning.

That, my friends, is what happens when you make mistakes. You learn. If you're at school and you're working on an assignment and you get something wrong - you've made a mistake but because of it, but you'll also find out where you went wrong and what you should to change it...and that is how you learn.

Some mistakes, though, just shouldn't be repeated. Such as the example I used in the other post with the skateboard, which is the example of a stupid mistake. It was someone's conscious decision to not wear protective gear and go skateboarding and it was because of their decision, their mistake, that they got messed up and ended up in the Emergency Department.

But one thing I've found in life that there are some mistakes that we can't help but make, over and over. I'm certainly guilty of that. The other day I hit something with my rather messed up hand...again. It's a mistake I've made way too many times but in my mind it is still a mistake. It's not something I've been doing for attention. It's not really even something I've been aware of, I was just in a really bad mood and I was in what I call a "panic state" and it just...happened. I lost control of my mind and my body and that was my mistake.

So what happens in that situation? In my opinion if the same mistake is made often enough, one of two things will happen. One, you'll realise it is indeed a mistake and work to get off that path and get on the correct one or two, you'll get so used to it that it'll just...happen. I'd say it happens because of neural pathways in your brain and all that which is just something that I'll never be able to understand myself.

And that's what happened to me. I know it's a bad decision but half the time I don't even know what the heck I'm doing; it's an automatic response to a bad situation. And in that case it's hard to control.

But control is possible. Anyone who says it's not is lying and is a very, very stupid person that you should never listen to. I've had it all, anger issues, anxiety issues. And I know that if you work hard you can control those urges. The trick is to be on the ball.

I'm pretty sure most of you have at least played a game before, so I'm going to use a reference to that to explain what I want to say. So, say you're playing a game and you know that something is going to happen but you don't know when - what do you do? Do you sit back and wait for it? Or do you proceed with caution and when it does happen you take charge and minimise the impact?

I'm willing to bet most of you are going with the second one.

And that's what you need to learn to do with your mind. First you've got to figure out what's going to set you off to make the mistakes. There's always a trigger. Whether it's in an exam or if it's in the case of me and hitting things in emotional distress. There's always a trigger that can cause these repetitive mistakes. Maybe you're making them because you're doing things too fast.

So once you identify your triggers you can control them better. You can start to get a feel of what is going to happen, and with that, you can prevent what is going to happen. It's not a perfect process - which you probably have realised because I'm guilty of doing the same things over and over - and it does take hard work but I believe it can happen. There are two things that I think you need to do.

The first is working on the physical side of things; reflexes and such. I think this primes your mind for mental reflexes. And the second is relaxation. YOU NEED TO HAVE DOWNTIME. This is an absolute need. Whether its by meditating, reading or watching television, you need it.

Mistakes of the mind do happen and they can be hard to control. But you can do it. If you're struggling you can get help from people; one of my friends has been my biggest support. But it's really down to you to be conscious of the choices you make, keeping in mind of what's going to happen and preventing the impact of when it does happen.

You can do it - I have faith in you!

Dreams, Jobs, Careers...Life

Lately there's been something weighing on my mind.

Most of my life I've had no idea whatsoever what I wanted to do in terms of jobs. Oh, I had dreams, like most people do – I wanted to be a photographer. I wanted to be a novelist. I wanted to be an Interior Designer. I wanted to be an artist.

But none of them screamed “practical” to my parents, and it didn't to me, either. I knew the chances of doing any above would not be overly high so I started to think about what else I may be able to do in life.

And I came up with nothing.

So by the time I left school, I had nothing to do. I wasn't smart enough for university so that pathway was out. And seeing as I didn't have the slightest clue of what I could do that was practical, I thought it would be rather useless to go to a technical institute. Knowing I had to do something, I asked my dad to get me a job at the supermarket he worked at, doing nightfill.

I found I liked the job. But it didn't last, much to my dismay. I've been out of work for over a year and half now and it hit me a few days ago that I had finally start looking again. I was tossing up whether I should do more study but...there's only so much a course will get you. My jobs section in my resume is extremely flat and at my age I need to start thinking about the future – I would like to move out of home one day, after all.

So that started off a whole new lot of thinking. What job could I do? What job was I qualified to do? What did I really want to do?

I once again started to think of the creative sort of things. But if I want to make it in life to do any of that, I'd need some sort of course, a qualification. So I started to look into courses, thinking I could do one with the thought of gaining employment in mind.

But the problem with that is that these courses, they cost money. And that's something I don't really have. So I really started to freak out because if I'm being honest, the thought of working, and finding my place in life is absolutely terrifying to me.

I spent days agonizing over this. And then someone put in into perspective for me. In fact, she put a lot of things into perspective for me and I want to share that with you all because I know I'm not the only one out there that's had these thoughts. So here's a few points I want you all to remember:

• You don't have to know what you want right away. There are a lot of people that go through life having no clue what they want to do, and that's okay.
• If you're worried you won't fit in, don't – its unfortunate but sometimes we will fit in with some but we won't fit in with others. Chances are you'll get a few people in a job that you'll get on great with a few people you won't. Its natural.
• A job does not define you.
• People do not define you. They influence you, yeah, but they don't define you. Only you define who you are.
• Working out who you are...its a process, because certain things in life will happen which will change your perspective. So if you don't know for sure, don't stress. Its natural.
• You won't always get your perfect job right off the bat. You need to start out first and go from there; your first job generally won't be your job for life.
• If you want to do something creative in life, just work on getting the – a – job first. If its not in that field, then you can do your creative work in your spare time. Remember that you need to have money to live first and build from there.

This next bit is a direct quote from my friend. I hope she doesn't mind me using her words (if she even knows about this, I have no idea) exactly but I really don't think I could put it any other way. So, my friend, I'm using your words because you're too smart for me to compete with.

“I think work is a good idea. I think it's good for a person's self esteem, it's a good ethic, it's another way to contribute to society, and gives your mind something to focus on.”

Remember these things, people. I don't think there's anything more I can say on this subject. Only that working, living, accomplishing our dreams...it's a process, one we need to work at. And they don't come easy.

But they wouldn't be worth it if they did.

Mistakes

As is human nature, we will sometimes do things that are...well, stupid. We will sometimes make mistakes. Some small, some not so small. Its just one of those things that we go through in life - to learn you've got to do some stupid things. Otherwise how will we know that we have use something like a tea towel to get something out of the oven?

Sometimes, however, we do really stupid things. I have a friend who is a nurse and some of the patients she gets in sometimes amaze me. Some people do things, seemingly not caring about their safety or health. And for the longest time I thought how insane and stupid they were to do such things.

But then I realised. I was one of those stupid people.

Last year, something happened I got extremely angry with myself. So, in my anger, I decided the best way to release it was to punch the wall. Three times. The wall, it was fine. Nothing happened to the wall. My hand, though...my third Metacarpophalangeal joint (otherwise known as my 3rd knuckle) got damaged. It was swollen, bruised and the skin had scraped off which, according to the internet, means it was likely fractured.

I didn't go to the hospital to treat it, despite the fact I was in so much pain I couldn't move my hand. Bad move. I've hit various things (for example, my old chair with a wooden backing) and each time I did that the same thing happened: it got swollen and bruised.

Yesterday I knocked it on my door by accident. And the results were instantaneous  It got swollen and sore. It was only a slight knock. That made me, the idiot, angry with myself of how much I'd damaged my hand over the last year that I hit it again.

I have issues with anger, and also with hitting thing. I've been working on it, and yesterday was the first time I did something like that in almost five months - quite a feat for me.

The point is, sometimes we do very stupid things in life. Some is riding a skateboard with no protection. Others is getting angry and punching the wall several times which has most likely caused irreversible damage to my hand. But its okay. We all make mistakes in life. None of us really know how we're supposed to be living, it's all done through trial and error. And it that's how we learn.

I, for one, have realised that my hand is very much messed up now. And I hope you have all learned in this post that if you want to punch something, punch your bed. Even my doctor told me we all need a release...but just do it on a soft surface (which I will also try to do).

Art and Society - Part 1

“Every child is an artist, the problem is staying an artist when you grow up”

~Pablo Picasso

As you may have realised from the title, this post is dedicated to creativity and art. It's the first one of this topic I have planned (hence the part 1.) I have a bit of a bone to pick with society: what constitutes as ‘art’?

The definition of Art, taken from Dictionary.com, is the quality, production, expression or realm, according to aesthetic principles of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance. And that sounds like a pretty good description, doesn’t it? But the problem is...what defines something as beautiful or aesthetically pleasing?

The problem I find in art is that it’s all up to your own perception. You may think something is beautiful and an amazing piece of artwork while someone else may think it’s ugly and useless. And it can go the opposite way. There are some paintings that I’ve seen that I’ve thought are gross, weird and just plain ugly but they may be some of the most famous paintings in the world. For example, I’m no fan of Salvador Dali. However, he’s well-known and well-liked, so my opinion, it doesn’t really mean much, does it?

So, that’s the problem that I find with art. I may hate it. But another person may love it. So how can society really determine what is a piece of artwork or not?

I started thinking this belief when I was at school. I loved art. It was my favourite subject. I’d go into that classroom every day and be happy...until the parent/teacher interviews. My mother and I were both told by my art teacher...that I had no talent at all. None. My brother, though, apparently did.

Her words crushed me and I stopped doing art. Ended up leaving her class because why should I waste my time there if the teacher thought I was no good? But even after I gave up, and believed her words, I had the one thought in my mind: how can she say I’m not good when her definition of ‘good’ may be different to someone else’s definition?

She can’t, really. I may not have been the best art student at school, but that was when you had to create your work to be complaint with a list they give you. Just because she may have hated what I did didn’t mean everyone else would. In fact, when I went into the other art class (there were two levels, I switched into the simple one) I had one of my artworks, a dream catcher I created, selected and shown at the Regional Art Gallery. So that means I’m good, right?

Well, I was good enough for their panel. I still didn’t get a good mark on it.

Years on, I started to get into art more and more. I started off with drawings of celebrities, such as Jared 

Leto. I used just shades of grey pencil for it, and I thought there were...somewhat decent. And then someone suggested I do a drawing of a building. Now, those can be annoyingly complicated so I had the sudden idea of using just a black pen against a white page, doing the outline and various types of detail marks. I discovered after I did it...that I loved drawing like that.

That was actually only a few months ago. And I realised that not doing art because something a woman once said to me was stupid. I’ve been enjoying what I’ve been doing and I’ve actually had some really positive feedback, even on the pieces I thought would fail and look terrible.

So if you’re out there right now and you want to draw, sculpt, or whatever else...forget about being perfect. Forget about what other people have said to you in the past and toss away the thoughts of how you won’t ever be as good as Picasso. Just...start drawing. Start doing whatever. Ignore the world and just make art.

“If you hear a voice within you say, ‘you cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced”

~Vincent Van Gogh

The above is my own drawing. If you wish to check out my other stuff, along with photography and just general stuff from my life, check out my Tumblr - http://scoops-stuff.tumblr.com/

The Thorn Method

She slowly walked up the front path of her prey’s house, unsuspecting to him. While she was a big girl, she’d discovered the art of moving slowly, using the night as a cover. She had become a pro at stalking; it was, after all, her third time doing it.

She moved to the window and crouched below it. She could just see him inside, watching some show on television; it sounded like boxing or something like that. Trust him to be into violence, she thought.

A momentary panic washed over her – what if he knew how to box? That would make her job so much harder, and she wasn’t entirely sure if she’d be able to take him. Then she shook her head. She was bigger than him, and probably stronger, too. She’d trained a lot for what she had to do, and getting worried or nervous wouldn’t help.

 I can take him down, she thought confidently. I have to take him down.

He was completely unaware of the fact someone was outside his window, watching him, but that really didn’t surprise her – after all, he’d been oblivious all those years ago about the fact that his actions would one day come back to haunt him.

And they would haunt him, in a very big way. That’s why she was there.

She looked down. In her hand was a long object that ended in a point. It was the instrument that she intended to use on him. She gently slipped it into her pocket, making sure not to scratch herself with the tip, because it was poison.

She crawled out from underneath the window and went back to the front door. She knocked on it once, and then waited for him to answer it. She almost smiled in anticipation of what she had to do.

It was time for him to pay...

 *

Oh hello, what was that above? Was it...was it the start of a story? Yes. Yes, it was. But what could it possibly be part of? Well, ladies and gentlemen and anything in between, I’m pleased to announce that I, Scoop (Or S. Cooper, however you want to see me) has published a book!

I did it through CreateSpace and Kindle. If anyone out there wants to self publish, go through them. CreateSpace made the process easy and it was actually really rather fun to do. Now you don’t have to check my book out. You don’t have to read it, you don’t have to buy it.

But if you want to support this poor (I am unemployed, after all) self-published author, check it out. If you liked what is above in italics, click the link below. I dare you.

 *

No blood. No fingerprints. No murder weapon. Hardly any trace evidence. It’s a nightmare for Detective Sara Cambull and her team…but they need to find this killer before another gets murdered.

Before one of their own gets killed…

http://www.amazon.com/The-Thorn-Method-ebook/dp/B00F9YWAR8/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1381469412&sr=1-1&keywords=The+Thorn+Method

When Websites Become Toxic

As you may be able to tell from the title, this post is dedicated to websites. And not just any old websites, I’m not talking something like 9gag. The most that can happen on a site like that is you spending way too much time online and getting addicted to checking the content. And while that isn’t the healthiest thing in the world to do, it’s a lot better than what can happen on other websites. These other sites I’m referring to are forums and chat systems.

Don’t get me wrong. Not everyone’s experience3 will be like this. Some will go through their life not encountering the toxic side of things. It depends, I think, on your own personal feelings, and also the type of site you’re on. What I’m writing here is from my own personal experience, so it may be…somewhat lacking in the way of positive-ness, if that’s even a word. It doesn’t really look like one…

Okay, let’s talking about forums. For the last year or so, I’ve been on a certain type of site. I’d looked at the content a year before I made the account and I thought it was a great thing to be a part of. I’m not mentioning its name, or the subject it talks about, because I’m not writing this to blow the whistle or incriminate anyone. In fact, if anyone from said site are reading this – hi and don’t worry, I hold no bad feeling to anyone. And I’ll get to why at the end of this.

I’m writing this so that everyone is aware of that can possibly happen. Because, yeah, there is a good side to these sites…a sense of community, talking to likeminded people…but there is a danger and that…that I found out first hand.

So this site I was on. It started off well, really well in fact. I talked to people on the forums and after several weeks I got up the courage to join the chat systems. And that, my readers, is where the trouble began. Most people should know that certain…precautions need to be made when talking to random people all over the world on the internet. I went into the system with these in mind but other things…other things never crossed my mind.

Looking back, it was actually probably my fault that this all happened. I believed what people said and I thought real connections were being made. More importantly, I trust what was being said. I trusted them. And that was my first mistake, because honestly, how can you fully trust someone you talk to through a computer screen only?

In my opinion, which I learned the hard way, you really can’t. You can’t fully trust the word of people you’ve never actually met because…they can lie to you and not feeling bad about it. And I know many will disagree and say I’m overly negative but as I said, this is all my experience.

I won’t go into any details over what happened, but suffice it to say, I figured out that there was some…stuff going on. And once I figured that out, everything else opened up in my mind and I could suddenly see what I was once blind to: I suddenly found myself surrounded by people that lied, that bullied each other this.

I’m writing this so that everyone is aware of that can possibly happen. Because, yeah, there is a good side to these sites…a sense of community, talking to likeminded people…but there is a danger and that…that I found out first hand.

So this site I was on. It started off well, really well in fact. I talked to people on the forums and after several weeks I got up the courage to join the chat systems. And that, my readers, is where the trouble began. Most people should know that certain…precautions need to be made when talking to random people all over the world on the internet. I went into the system with these in mind but other things…other things never crossed my mind.

Looking back, it was actually probably my fault that this all happened. I believed what people said and I thought real connections were being made. More importantly, I trust what was being said. I trusted them. And that was my first mistake, because honestly, how can you fully trust someone you talk to through a computer screen only?

In my opinion, which I learned the hard way, you really can’t. You can’t fully trust the word of people you’ve never actually met because…they can lie to you and not feeling bad about it. And I know many will disagree and say I’m overly negative but as I said, this is all my experience.

I won’t go into any details over what happened, but suffice it to say, I figured out that there was some…stuff going on. And once I figured that out, everything else opened up in my mind and I could suddenly see what I was once blind to: I suddenly found myself surrounded by people that lied, that bullied each other people that seemed to find joy in making others feel uncomfortable…

And then I reached my breaking point. I obtained a…well, perhaps “stalker” isn’t the right word, but someone who actually made me fear for my safety, despite me knowing that this person had absolutely no clue where I lived…much to their dismay.

It took me a while to realise, but I discovered something: my mental health, my emotions, they were going downhill because off all this stuff going on, and sadly, a good friend of mine bore the brunt of those effects.

And that, my friends, is the definition of a toxic website.

Don’t get me wrong. I had some good experiences and I met some awesome people. But one awesome kind new friend doesn’t make up for possible stalker situations. That scared me and I wasn’t going to hang around and wait for it to get worse, awesome people or not – I come first.

I’ve now blocked my access to the site, thanks to an amazing Chrome extension called Stay Focused. I’ve had to use this because, despite all the bad stuff, I was rather addicted to going on that chat system.

So that’s my experience with a toxic website – but what about everyone else out there? The last thing I want is for more people to go through those few weeks of emotional turmoil because of some twit behind a computer screen. So how can we prevent such a thing from happening?

Here are a few tips:

·         Treat everyone with respect, whether they derive it or not

·         Be nice to everyone, whether they deserve it or not

·         Don’t hold grudges. Be scared, be worried, don’t trust them but don’t hate them. There could be something more going on than what you know and just because they treat you bad doesn’t mean you return the favour – be better than them

·         Keep your mind open

·         Take what they say with a grain of salt

·         Remember that some person halfway around the world doesn’t know the “real” you, just an online chat version

·         Don’t fight back; they want a reaction

·         Don’t let anyone make you feel less than a person

·         Remember you’re worth more than what people on the internet treat you, and your self-worth isn’t determined by them

·         Number One Rule – you come first. If you’re uncomfortable, if you’re scared, if you’re worried, speak up or take action. Your health and wellbeing should come first in your mind

As for knowing when a site is becoming toxic….that is for you to decide. But I think if it’s starting to impact on your life in a negative way – worry thoughts, sleepless nights, doubt, etc…it’s time to stay away.