Wall of Brick

For the first time since I started this blog, I'm unsure of how to start. Not because this topic is a hard one for me, or because it's triggering or anything like that, but because of what it means. I don't know if writing this is even a really good idea, I may not get the reaction I would like, but I'm doing it anyway because at this point...there's not much more I can do.

Beware - this may get...emotional. Read on at your own risk.

This story starts about early October last year. At the time I felt so alone, I had a...a friend, if you could call this person that, but said friend didn't care much about what I was going through and I felt so alone. Purely by chance I mentioned it to someone I'd known for a long while but wasn't overly close with. Normally reactions of when saying you're lonely are "meet more people!" But not this person. No, this person...she offered to hang out one day. 

It sounds like nothing but to me, it was like...it was the very best thing anyone could have ever said. See, this woman, she's older than me and I actually knew her when I was a kid - when she was a young adult. And I used to look up to her and wish I could know her, wish I could be more like her. Never did I think she would want to talk to me but for some reason she offered. And a few months later - that's how long it took me to get up the courage - I took it.

I won't go into a great deal of detail here - because if I did then would end up being well over 10,000 words - but we did end up catching up one day. I was so nervous I thought I'd throw up; it had been ages since I'd been social and I was starting to get the symptoms of Anxiety and Depression quite bad. But I got through it. And I had fun, and she seemed to like me, which is more than I never thought would happen. No, meeting up again was more than I would ever think would happen, but that did too. 

I was going through a really bad time by this stage of the year. I was getting so anxious I couldn't eat and while I liked this person so much...my defective, non trusting brain wouldn't allow me to believe she actually did like me. I tried to keep that in as much as possible though, tried to pretend I was normal but...I didn't want to pretend around her. I was sick of lying, of not being myself. So I started to share my problems, thinking she would run away.

She didn't.

Oh man, this is getting harder and harder write. And to see. I can get somewhat emotional sometimes.

Right, so, instead of running away, she stuck around. And from then on I started to message her if something was wrong, if I was having panic attacks, if...if anything. And now I feel so guilty for doing all that because it just doesn't seem fair to her, even though she's said before that she's just glad she can help. But I still feel guilty because it's something I can't really repay.

I also feel guilty because, in the past, I've had quite...bad friendships. I'm used to being put down, being treated like I don't matter. I'm that person people brush aside to talk to the more "important" people, I'm the one no one cares about, the one people just tolerate. she didn't treat me that way, though, and I'll admit, it scared me - did it just mean she was keeping it all inside? Was she really just stringing me along? Those were the sorts of things that would go on in my head on a daily basis.

And right now I'm glad I can touch type because my eyesight is getting blurry.

So I've been burned before...and that makes me distrustful. Very, very, very distrustful. It got bad, too - after we hung out the first time her computer went on the fritz and she didn't message me back for about three weeks. Well I didn't know that but I thought I'd blown a chance at the friendship. And I spent days in panic attack mode. 

I'm ashamed to admit it's happened way more times. I have a handle on it now...most of the time...so it's not so bad any more. But there's still an underlying thought of, "what if she gets sick of me?" Because everyone in the past has gotten sick of me. I have never had a friendship last any longer than six months. So for the last year I've been waiting for it to happen but it never has.

No one has stuck with me like this woman. No friend has ever cared about me like this woman. She was there for me during everything and I can never, ever, EVER, thank her enough or repay her. 

So, my friend who is out there...I'm so, so, so sorry for my insecurities. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong, it's all on me. It's all on my defective brain. You mean so much to me and I hope you know that. I hope you never forget that. I know I have so many issues but you've done more for me in one year that my so called friend from school ever did in 14 years. You get me when no one else does. And I know I'm hard work and you need breaks and stuff and I'm sorry I don't really make that easy for you, and I know you get annoyed when I keep asking if we really are friends and if you really do care but its because I'm used to people no caring all too much. 

I know you don't like it when I'm down on myself but being positive and hopeful is something I'm not used to and it takes a hell of a lot of work. I know you hate me apologising but I'm used to grudges and fights and all that and our friendship has just been so different to what I'm used to. I know you really don't like it when I say I'm not important but all my life I've been treated like I wasn't important, even by my own brother, my grandparents. It's hard to forget.

And one again, I know you don't like the way I ask if we are friends  and them amount I message you but its just because I'm just so damn terrified of losing the only good thing I've had in my life this year. I don't want to be forgotten. And I know that makes me selfish but...please...don't leave me. 

I wrote this poem earlier today for you. I hope you like it. It's called Wall of Brick, and it's basically about everything you've done for me. I can never repay you. I can never say thank you enough, or never apologise enough for the amount of crap I've put you through this year. But I hope this at least...starts to pay off the mammoth debt I owe you.

I had walls up as far as they would go
No one could penetrate them, no 
Hiding behind a substance so thick
These walls, they were made of brick

And then someone came along 
Into my life like some sort of song
You soon found the way I tick
And out fell the first brick

I was afraid you would run
No one really knew me, none 
But by some miracle you stuck around
And it all came tumbling down

Inside I was so raw
From hiding for so long
You helped me up off the floor
And stayed as I clawed my way to the door

I was scared for so long
But now I'm outside fighting 
Thanks to you, who kept me ticking
You, who helped me start kicking
Down that wall, made of brick
-Scoop, 30/10/2013

PS - this doesn't even cover HALF of what I wish I could say but I'm not going to post any more. Just...you saved me. And I love you like a sister...if I had a sister. And I hope that doesn't scare you away.
PPS - And I And now my face is itchy with dried tears. Oh, no, they're still rolling down. This is why I don't talk like this in person, you really would run away!